Reblog if you’ll answer anything that gets put in your ask right now.

anything.

all my ex’s getting married, and i’m still single.

i ain’t shit.

an open letter to the hurt.

(i wrote this because i was inspired by alex.. but then it turned into writing it to alex.. apparently, there’s a lot of anger and emotion still there. just when i thought i’d swept it under the proverbial rug forever.) 

i will never forgive you for this. my heart is hardened. i don’t trust the universe, its energy, or its people, including myself.. and it’s all because of you. because i trusted you to be my friend. and i trusted you not to break my heart. and i trusted you not to condemn my spirit.

and you broke my fucking trust. and you took my friend away from me. and you ruined any sense of stability i thought i had with someone i chose. you ruined the idea that someone would want to choose me. you destroyed the possibility of my ever believing that i would be good enough. ..or even just enough.

(and these words left your lips. and i believed you.)

but believe me:

i’m not surprised that joy or spiritual completion find you. i’m not surprised to see you happy. however, i’m not surprised because the universe gives and takes. i’m not surpised because as a gift of your presence, i gave you me. and with me came the energy to cherish life, no matter how small the moment. i gave you the freedom to live, love, and just plain be, openly. and you took it, because i gave it to you. (i don’t blame you; i would have taken it too.) but i would have given it back when i was done, and returned it in the same condition it was in when it left you.

..but you couldn’t even do that shit, and since you didn’t, of course you’d be reaping the rewards of the harvest i so graciously had to leave in your care, because taking it with me wouldn’t benefit anyone!! my soul: it’s like the gift that keeps on giving to everyone but me. and that piece you hold on to was the best part. the genuine part that i never wanted to give to anyone my soul wasn’t worth intertwining with theirs. but you took it- because i gave it to you- and wove it into something else that makes me sick to think about.. and i have to watch my soul being held captive against it’s will in something i don’t want it to be apart of.

…and after all of this- this holding my soul hostage, this agony, this LIE you told my soul- you have the gaul, nerve, and audacity to call yourself my friend? God give me the strength to be honest with you, my friend.

let me tell you about my friend:

my friend will judge. my friend will be unavailable during times of great duress. my friend will leave me to cope alone. (but at least my friend will remind me how happy i used to be.) my friend will ignore these same cries, and forget that i asked them for their help prior. my friend will also remind me that it’s impossible to be lonely, because i have so many friends. my friend will tell me to get over it and move on. my friend has told me to move on. hell, my friend takes my other friends from me to purposefully leave me alone, because- GASP- i have so many other friends, i won’t even notice, right?

how fucking dare you. callous and cruel. (how dare you be the illusion of everything i need?) how dare you cause me to believe everything has a dualism? how dare you allow me to believe that where you are, the other will not be? and if the other is there, so ever apparent, you will be along soon? how dare you do this to me when i’ve always known you, and strongly believe you’re always there. you remind me that i’m alive, but also that i could be alone. ..you also remind me that it could be worse. you remind me of horrible times and disgusting places. you remind me that emotion is real, life isn’t fair, and language is colorful.

(..and i don’t know if i’m talking to pain or love anymore.)

pain is so real, it could be personified.. but living within the dualisms, love could be personified as well… but when’s the last time a person actually loved me? better stated, when’s the last time a person actually loved me, and it was felt?

i don’t know if i’m talking to pain or love anymore. all their qualities are so synonomous.

they both are a shadow of a fact or idea. both are the byproduct of risk. they will force the joyful/sorrowed soul to believe positive things have negative feelings, and vice versa.

..but with friends like these, who needs enemies?

part time friends bringing me full time fucking pain.

full time friends bringing me part time love. convenience “love”.

“supplementary love.”

and it’s not enough to get by.

i’m beginning to think that pain is my only long term company.

so hey, come flaunt your happiness in my face a little longer. feel free to dangle that part of my soul in front of my heart and see if it lights up again. see if you hear the tears drop over the bass. shit, tap me on the shoulder when it does, and maybe that chip will fall off. don’t forget to tell me that you just want to help, too.

and while you’re at it, pray for me at church.

you can tell Jesus why i’m mad.

“have an affair. act like an adult for once.”

pros to having an affair: great sex. amazing conversation. secret relationship. great balance.

cons: all the possibilities. (such as, but not limited to: not being able to do public things, catching feelings, potentially rules out all possibility of a future relationship.. particularly, what if the main finds out about sides? etc.)

there are so many rules to sidebar relationships. and if all of them are not adhered to, there will be a breakdown. like we can have all the fun we want within these walls, but we can’t do so much stuff outside … and even inside, so many things can’t be discussed. sidebar relationships are like distant long distance relationships. no paper trails.. just the most explosive, wonderful 3-12 hours of life to date. sex could happen, or maybe it won’t, but it’s an amazing time spent regardless. it’s crazy how your side nigga will become your best friend, and hopefully if all goes well, you won’t catch feelings.

but its too bad that real relationships won’t work like that. best friends —> in like —> have love —> in love..

I hate to feel like I need a sidebar relationship to make me smile again. I hate to feel like I’m legitimately afraid of commitment and that’s why I choose to have these..

truth hurts.

I watch porn.

Justin slayer SLAYS women. he makes it look SO INCREDIBLY SEXY. in this flick, he’s fucking Cherokee… and what a great show. seriously that’s an amazing view.

I can’t wait to get fucked like that. soon.

I want a son. not immediately. and not necessarily with ……, as he was a bit of a roller, and God curses male whores with daughters, so they can see the error of their ways, and prayerfully teach their daughters to see through it. I want a son. one day. just one child. one son. and I’ll never hide him from life’s ills.